the sunset ; in which i will play my guitar

sunseeet

Friday, February 27, 2004

this is my second attempt to not slp this week.. was studying for bio.. den i rmb i hadnt done my quiet time and tt my motive for studyin bio is a very wrong one.. to study for my own glory.. haiz.. but.. God is v amazing.. halfway thru, i stopped studyin for bio, i switched to do my qt.. i had a 40 min qt.. haah.. i wanted to attempt an hr but my attention span in readin sth esp at this time is short.. anyway, i feel much better aft spending tt time wif God.. n tt's y i'm here..

many at times, we are not faithful.. faithful to God.. it's either we concentrate too much on other tings or concentrate too little on them.. tt's wad make us unfaithful.. it's a good experience for me to reflect.. to identify my distractions and stop being distracted in my service to God.. N it's reali a blessing to be able to go thru this.. sum or rather alot of ppl are unable to identify the blessings tt God has placed ard us.. in fact, being able to breathe is a form of blessing.. wow.. so many blessings.. blessings!! haha

it indeed feels good to think abt God.. to think abt the things that He placed in our life.. to think about leaving our worries to Him.. to think about His love for us.. think about His creation as we read Psalm.. hhaa.. it's a blessing to have time.. it's a form of responsibility too.. whether we are good stewards of time will determine if we are loyal to Him..

today.. or rather yesterday, i was upset cos i had this feeling that everyone hates me.. haa.. how weird.. i kept mum abt it.. i juz feel like crying but.. haiz.. during econs cls today, we were tokin abt moonlightin.. haiz.. i said moonlightin is like skiving (i know wad it was supposed to mean but sumhow i juz gt it mixed up) so the cls was like laughing at me.. i was like hhuh? wad's so funny abt tt.. the way one person laugh was like an enemy laughin at you.. the feelin was horrible.. of course he probably didnt mean it but it didnt feel good.. i'm wondering.. how shld i behave? shld i juz b a clown in the cls and not be afraid of being laughed at?.. this is not the only situation which occured such tt i tink ppl juz dislike me.. haiz.. i wana b a woman of the Lord.. but.. how?... read God's word?.. this feelin of inferiority is gettin me.. i muz pick myself up.. Pls help Lord...

Proverbs 31
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

blessed by Father; wHeE

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

like any other days, i hoped i can get early leave when i go to sch.. i muz say i hadn't trusted in God to bring me thru today.. i was afraid.. like wad during civics lesson had taught.. afraid tt i will meet wif scoldings.. i will feel rejected if i m scolded.. (probably).. out of the four fatal fears, fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of failure and fear of (i forgot), my most fatal fear is rejection.. i know it.. it's my archilles heel.. i'm glad i'm taught this lesson obviously tt i may identify with it and face the problem rather than run away from it unknowingly.. but.. i need strength.. i need courage to face my problems.. haiz..

sth v bad happened(to me) juz nw.. my muder was preparing dinner for my precious brother.. i was v upset and angry tt she gave me the leftovers.. i reali tried.. i tried to think y she would do tt.. i know she's not biase.. but.. attention.. who doesnt wan attention fr their parents.. i was hungry and angry.. and being hungry made me even more angry.. so i shut myself in the room.. i didnt wan to think tt my muder was being biased.. but.. i tawt mayb she tinks i'm independent enuf to take my own (leftover) food and all tt.. i told myself i muz learn to b considerate toward her.. but.. i didnt out of all these thoughts i had.. in the end, i shouted at her.. yes, in a sense i shouted at her.. i wanted her to noe how i feel.. haiz.. dis is not the best way but it has always been like tt.. i dont like it.. i dont like the fact tt she gave me the leftover food esp when i feel tt my brother is so spoilt.. i had the thought to be very bad,, but i noe it'll hurt her feelings.. tt's y she always give way to us when we try to b mean to her.. she's upset.. i cant believe how many times i hurt her..

now it seems to me tt i need to learn to be more and more independent.. when i meet wif problems i muz learn to solve it myself.. when i meet wif difficult questions abt studies, i muz learn to consult my tutor myself.. i dun wan to b independent.. but i noe God has a plan for me and i reali hv no right to choose.. i guess i'll juz hv to submit to Him by showing my love to Him.. i'm juz but a sinner and an unworthy servant.. my life doesnt belong to me but Christ.. (tt's wad i told joy this morning when she find tt she's strugglin to see tt not running away from lessons is and act of loving God)

it's not a happy day for me but it was a joyful day for me.. it's not a happy day but i experienced God's grace in me..

i'm upset.. upset tt i made ppl ard me upset.. upset tt i complained to God.. upset tt i'm growing to be strong..

blessed by Father; wHeE

Monday, February 23, 2004

tt's very sweet su.. i'm very glad you tawt abt it.. i tawt i might hv misunderstood u.. suddenly i feel tt i noe wad u r tinking.. from ur attitude and actions at geline's hse and all tt.. haiz.. i'm not trying to mean anything here.. i'm just..
i'm just upset.. how i can decipher wad ppl are tinkin and help ppl solve their problems and all tt but how i help myself is another ting.. i just realised.. just realised how unbearable i am at times.. it's very upsetting to know tt.. very.. i saw Joy, how gd she's wif the guys and even helpin them to solve their problems and lending them a listenin ear, but me? i hurled words tt hurt their pride..
words stimes can be so scary.. esp words tt came out of that snare of mine out of control.. i cant stop feelin upset abt how sinful i am, how at times i misuse words unknowingly n even without controlling it.. i know this must be one of God's plan.. to let mi realise this even tho it hurts my pride.. it hurts.. sin's so terrible.. it never manage to spoil and destroy.. but i'm glad our heavenly Father disciplines His child.. i'm glad i'm being disciplined and tt He's helping me, guiding me and watching over me.. If i do not know You, how lost would i be.. how helpless would i be?

it was supposed to be a thrushing pain, but You buffered it for me.. You ensured it was to discipline me and not to overwhelm me..
You are good

blessed by Father; wHeE

Friday, February 20, 2004

the question's back again.. if i should drop econs.. dis two weeks had been busy for mi.. i couldn't manage to prepare sum of my tutorials for cls and even for student's lesson plans.. tt's wad made mi had the second thought to drop econs.. Joyce says i can do it.. i juz need to push myself a little harder.. think back again, i tink it's bcos of my own attitude problems..

alot of tings happen today tt caused mi to b aware of my 'attitude sickness'.. first i lose my cool over some lyrics.. i was practically shouting at a guy almost scolding him cos he passed over my lyrics book to another person without asking me for permission.. it seems tt i was in the right to scold him.. but i could hv done it in a better way.. as in mty motive in scoldin was a without-considering-God's-stand's motive.. ie it's selfish la..

nxt i had a bible study session on Haggai part 2.. it's toking abt priorities.. abt being a christian we need to see God as our priority.. Do everything for God.. Study for God and the speaker mention sth tt's very relevant tt i actually could forget this! Studying for God doesn't mean you shld get As.. the people were distracted from building the temple of God and similarly i'm distracted to glorify God by doing things with a self-centered purpose.. doing things for myself.. i bcame competitive.. for glory.. glory not for God but for myself... i'm very guilty about tt.. i got 23 out of 30 for my bio test and i'm not contented.. how hopeless can i be.. i shld b thankful.. esp with the knowledge that God works with a good purpose.. the speaker oso emphasised sth observed in the old testament books which lessens my guilt.. tt is.. once we are repentful, God is quick to forgive us.. but when we are rebellious, God is not quick to condemn us but He gives us chances.. God is merciful and gracious.. so likewise, we muz oso learn to do tt since we are created in His image (Gen1:27)!

ya, and i need to play or rather rest from my studies.. i wan to go k box and sing, i wan to go skating, i wan to go swimming, i wan to watch movies and vcds.. haiz.. i need rest.. I need to walk closely with God

blessed by Father; wHeE

Thursday, February 19, 2004

woow.. so long nv update.. reallllll bz dis week.. i almost wan to break down.. but i rmb tt onli thru this 'impossibles' den i can understand and appreciate God's mighty power of bringing me thru every obstacle.. tt's how my tenacity can b stretched and i may b more and more like God.. 2b more like Him is nt for myself but for Him who created me in His own image tt we are able to think rationally act wisely and have the emotions to love ppl.. 2b like Him who created us is supposed to b our duty or rather our purpose in life for He created us for His own glory not for our glory.. it's natural that a maker of a pen would create a pen for his own glory and tt works similar.. i'm glad i'm with Him now even tho i once rebelled..

to God be the glory

blessed by Father; wHeE

Sunday, February 15, 2004

yupz it was valentine's day yesterday!! so tiring.. there's road run before that.. hehe.. i'm glad i got a medal for running in the top 50.. hee.. the experience was horrible and good at the same time.. i was sprinting all the way back to sch cos i tawt the ending pt was at the sch gate.. haha.. i was wrong lor, aft i finished sprinted, i stil hv to go round the track.. i was tinkin v breathless liao.. BUT.. FOR THE MEDAL.. HHAHA.. i sprinted all the way!! haha.. i reali tawt i couldn't get the medal.. and i was v amazed tt i stil hv the energy to sprint for two times.. mayb i should do this for 2.4 oso.. haha.. walk for a while at the 4th round den sprint for the last two rounds.. hoho. ACTUALLY.. i hoped and i ran bcos of God.. Bcos of love for Him tt's what makes me smiling when i was runnin.. i guess not alot of ppl can appreciate or understand tt.. haha.. they miss out alot lor.. havin joy even i'm doing strenous or tiring work.. tt's wonderful..

after tt was the LOVE FIESTA!! it was v happenin.. i'm glad i've got vivien ard.. i hope im not like crippling her to b unable to go ard visiting the stores with her classmates.. so sory.. haiz.. all mi frens r bz.. but anyway, had a gd talk with her.. it was v refreshing.. it made mi realise i'm not the oni suffering during my service for God.. i learnt not to b discouraged as i encouraged her.. haha.. talkin abt this reminds mi abt ppl who will ridicule mi for serving God.. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOUR DECISION TO NOT WANT TO KNOW GOD IS RIGHT FOR YOU TO LAUGH AT US.. YOU CLAIMED THAT YOU R OPEN TO ANY RELIGION YET U R CLOSED TO US.. WHEN U LISTEN, U LISTEN WITH A CLOSED HEART TRYING TO REJECT EVERYTHING WE SAY.. CONTRADICTING URSELVES.. SO WHAT IF YOU THINK U HV FREEDOM.. IT DOESNT MEAN WE DUN HAVE FREEDOM.. WE HAVE FREEDOM TO DO EVERYTHING IN GOD'S RULE.. WE ARE HAPPY BCOS DERE'S RULES. HOW CAN THERE BE FREEDOM WITHOUT RULES.. IT'S JUST LIKE TRYING TO PLAY A BBALL MATCH WITHOUT HAVING RULES AND CLAIM TT U'LL HV MORE FREEDOM.. WHAT IS TT MAN.. HAVIN NO RULES DOESNT ALLOW U TO HAVE FREEDOM WHY CANT ANYBODY UNDERSTAND TT? WITHOUT RULES, I CAN JUZ SLAP ANYONE I LIKE TT'S FREEDOM? SOMEBODY JUZ GETS SLAPPED TT'S FREEDOM? CANT PPL JUZ APPRECIATE WHAT GOD HAS DONE FOR US SETTIN RULES FOR US TO HAVE FREEDOM AND ENJOY TT FREEDOM? haiz.. stop it geok lan.. mayb i'm juz not thinking.. haha.. thinking... thinkin y pple like freedom n yet they choose to deprive themselves of freedom? but tt's reali how i feel, if anyone out there feels tt u can enlighten mi, haha, feel free to do so..

ok.. on a lighter tone.. fiesta was fun.. haha.. i did manicure.. couldnt c cos it's transparent.. i cant believe im so vain.. vanity's gettin mi.. got sth for pem.. hehe.. i tawt tt was v nice.. u'll noe it when u c it.. hehhheh..

had a gd tok wif wah.. hahah.. i'm so glad i could express my thoughts well.. i reali was tinkin i express tings horribly.. reali.. thx for tt encouragement.. haah.. i'm so glad we can tok.. tok abt geline.. tok abt pem.. tok abt recording and stuff.. hee..

yeah and the new PEM blog's REAL COOL.. woo hoo..

blessed by Father; wHeE

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

i'm so glad i blogged yesterday.. i woke up today feeling v upset but tings came to turn out fine.. juz v amazing how God works.. tings didnt happen the way i tawt it to be.. it reali didnt.. i'm glad i curbed my feelings not showing a sad face today.. :] i knew God would bring me out of this and He did.. as wad viv said this mornin durin prayer, God uses trials to bring us to him esp when we onli seek Him when problem comes.. My prayer is that i wil not seek Him onli when i need Him but share with Him all joys and learn to trust tings in His hands.. I'm not afraid knowing He is always with me.. :D

blessed by Father; wHeE

duno how i can count my blessing today but i shall put this here for future counting purposes.. it's stress today.. very stress. there's so many things to do.. SO MANY.. and there's so many things happenin ard me tt's gg to pull me apart.. i'm shattered.. my mum's angry with my dad for not paying the bills.. it's not as simple as tt.. she's gg to not work when march comes i heard her say.. tt will b the time when tragedy comes.. i guess she's very worried.. she's like the onli financial source in this hse.. my father works.. i duno wad he's thinking always quitting or get sack.. i dun wish to judge him.. i already dislike him as it were.. i'm having the strength to even talk to him nicely bcos of God, bcos of love from God.. i'm gg to die.. i reali am.. Now onli God can help mi, i missed two of my deadlines, in fact 3, there's maths test tml and i havent studied for it.. Have to hand in econs essay tml and i'm stuck at the last part just CANT finish it.. and econs revision and i hv to prepare for econs tutorial the case study.. dere's stil bio tut where i'm stuck at the fossil fuels questions.. and maths tutorials' untouched since the last tutorial.. dere's so much to do yet so little time.. i shld be glad.. bcos onli thru such kind of impossible mission den can God's grace b shown on me.. i know i'll survive even tho i feel like crying oredy.. muz not forget my mission..

blessed by Father; wHeE

Thursday, February 05, 2004

It's thursday!! the last day of chinese new year.. Cannot take anymore ang baos.. boo.. so sad.. haha..

Today's prayer day.. N i was late cos i had a stomachache.. Hannah who was on time for the first time sort of scolded me for being late.. i was mad at tt juz now.. but i rmbed tt i was taught to have self-control.. So i tok to God hoping tt me having self-control would be bcos of Him and tt i would hv strength from Him to do so too.. Nevertheless, i rmb tt i was like her oso.. Probably even worse, i was proud of myself of being early for the first time and i oso ridiculed others for being late.. Horrible geok lan.. my i reali felt so remorseful.. horrible horrible horrible.. But.. i know other than feeling upset abt it and feeling upset abt it and feeling upset abt it, God wans mi to learn and grow.. As Christians we muz grow in Him.. Grow! "Growing up growing up i'm growing up! Hmmm... " Pray that i'll have patience.. Hope i'll rmb to work on bein patient (hee, prayer muz come with action and oso muz prepare myself of circumstances i'll lose my patience den i can guard against tt.. pls pray.. :])

Galatians 5:22,23
"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Against such things there is no law."

I guess i have none of the above characteristics.. If let's say u r kind to sum ppl but unkind to sum ppl, u r consd unkind. But tt's how perfect God's standard is n how perfect He is..

i was having my bible study lesson with my stud on the fone.. Yes and i mean ON THE PHONE.. As i was teaching her, i could appreciate and understand v clearly sum tings which i try to but juz cant do it. Tt God bought us at a high price by Christ to save us unworthy sinners. The least we could do is to be grateful and do our best in serving Him.. Even doin our best would be nothing to Him.. As wad the Bible says serving the Lord is like a servant who's grateful to a master and does his best in serving his master.. As grateful ppl or supposedly grateful ppl shouldnt we all the more do our best for His sake.. But the truth is and one "gd" example is me who doesnt rmb to appreciate this ALL THE TIME.. Horrible sinner.. Oh my i'm like Golem..

1Corinthians 10:31
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

May i glorify Your name, O God.
May i not tarnish Your name even though it will not be for You are You.
May i always remember that i am a CHRISTian.

blessed by Father; wHeE

Monday, February 02, 2004

Poor mum.. she has to go to chun dao he pan ALONE bcos i hv to study for my bio test.. so sorry..

blessed by Father; wHeE

if u duno who u r, i saw u today but u din c mi.. either u pretend not to or u reali din..

blessed by Father; wHeE

i hate this world!!! Thank God tt He restrained our evilness tt this world is still a place to live in. Sufferings.. Speak of the devil.. Sinful man.. horrible!!!! Argh.. n it includes mi..... y do sum ppl dun even think how they have hurt or affect others?!!! horrible ppl.. including mi.. Have mercy on me Lord..

better cool down and think.. grrr.... haiz... i hv no right to be angry.. i dun wana be angry.. let's fight it out man.. i know it's gg to b a misunderstanding.. it better be.. u better hv sth to explain to mi.. BETTER..

Thank God for this.. Dun tink i'm sum psycho.. i'm not.. I'm suppose to give thanks in all circumstance n i wan to cos i know God is sovereign.. Haha, i'm suffering!! Bio test here i come.. Pls dun let mi fail.. It's terrible to know tt i got the lowest for maths test the last time.. Horrible.. Sob sob..

blessed by Father; wHeE

Sunday, February 01, 2004

it's sunday today.. Thank God.. can have time to catch up with my work.. was doing bible study about why God allow suffering.. I'm so sorry tt this world is in a horrible state bcos of our wrong choices to sin and the ground is cursed as a result of wad was done.. Couldnt God hv created a world where nothing go wrong? He could, but He chose not to.. Would He rather create a world of robots or a world of ppl who's able to make choices which carries the risk of making wrong ones and even to rebel against Him.. Thankfully even as He chose the latter for the second one there can b ppl who love Him more. N He has a wonderful plan where our consequences are paid for by His Son tt we may come to know Him again.. Such a wonderful God..

Reminded mi of the bible study i had on fri abt prophets.. God is such a patient God tt knowing we are at such a deprived state, He still tries to send ppl ard us tt tell us tt we hv sinned before we fall into deep consequence of facing His anger.. How horrible would it b to face a mighty but angry God.. Thankfully He chose to save..

Passed today accomplishing quite a no of things.. quite satisfied.. Spent the whole day alone at lot 1 mac but it doesnt matter.. i was unlike the past fearing of loneliness.. hee.. Could it be bcos of God tt i know He's always with mi tt i hv somebody to tok to? hee..

ya, and yesterday aft service we went to bukit panjang plaza to our small grp discussion and joseph treated us desserts aft getting his pay in ns.. hee.. so nice of him..

Pemers, when are we gg to have our gathering?..

blessed by Father; wHeE