sunseeet
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
this is a real early post..hv loads of thinkings so wana put dem down..
haiz.. i'm here bcos i couldnt finish preparing my tutorials for lesson and tml n fri's gg to b a hectic day n dere's stil so many things to do.. shldnt hv slacked on mon.. feeling very tensed up.. so i decided tt i'd stop thinkin too much abt my sch work n relax.. haha.. so i juz hang ard in my hse, sat on the sofa, lie on the sofa, go to my room, lie on the bed.. thinkin thinkin thinkin..
i'm thinkin mayb i shld b more efficient.. mayb durin breaks i shld read my notes instead of talking to my frens, mayb i shld learn fr sheila, while waitin for the bus, take out my hw to do or read sth on the bus.. dun reali like all these ideas cos it means i place my studies in a v high priority.. dun like dun like.. den i think again.. i think i need God's help alot.. ALOT.. i'm glad cos i'm dependin on Him and tt's wad my relationship with Him's all abt.. dependin on Him.. like wad yu says, He works miracles.. in my view, it's v amazing to c the way He works, to see the way He brings you out of a huge problem n at the end of it, u'll feel very amazed....haha.. ya.. so i shld learn to relax..i know mr chua, our chem tutor's tryin to help us relax, he doesnt scold us if we nv finish preparing our tutorials.. in fact he dun mind we do it right on the spot.. so nice of him.. n mrs chan, she doesnt realli stress us.. so i hv such nice teachers, y do i force myself to work so so hard n cause myself to b so stressed?
i tink i c studies as sum responsibility tt i hv tt i shld try my very best to do it.. do it for God.. to present my best.. i think tt's v healthy.. but wad's makes this responsibility unhealthy is dere's too much of it n i dun work my priorities well like relatin with my family n all tt.. we r created to be relational not onli work-orientated.. so... hee.. i'm glad being relational is wad i like to do.. so.. God pls gimmi a hand or pls let me cast everything to You.. hee.. now i know why they say when u get to year 2, u cannot afford to pile up your work.. haha.. u try so hard to do the old hw n the new ones together.. haiz.... but it's not piling to a v great extent.. looks like i gotta spend dis sun finishing all my hw.. i hope i'll b disciplined..
yupz, n yesterday's mtg was a great impact for me.. i rmb this from joyce.. u r smart but stimes u take things in your own hands bcos of your smartness.. actually she said clever.. but it's the same i suppose? it tells alot abt me.. abt mi being proud when i get too smart n don't dpd on God.. i'm glad i hv a relationship with God cos if i do anything wrong for too many tiems, He'll sound me so loudly tt i am forced to stop committing that mistake..
Trust and obey for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey.. ;)
blessed by Father; wHeE
Monday, March 29, 2004
had a talk with joyce today.. glad i din bring my yellow booklet today otherwise i will not b able to take so many shocks.. ha.. well, actually not shocks, but things which made mi learn alot of things abt myself and the way i handle things..
i am so inconsiderate n hv a low sense of accountability.. i overlooked so many things which caused so much trouble to people ard me.. i was angry with my stud for doing such things to me and yet i did that to ppl.. i thank God for this.. i learn that i need to be humble oso.. i hv been prideful.. to not inconvenience myself but others.. as in when i did sth wrong like i couldnt meet joyce the other time, i din dare to yearn for her forgiveness n took the initiative to fix another date with her.. n i had to inconvenience her to fix another time to meet me.. i'm so angry with myself.. but i'm glad i am confronted by these to know how i hv not done things right or rather done things pleasing in the eyes of God..
n the other time i was so angry with sy that i din want to forgive her.. n tings began to go wrong.. now i know why.. bcos tt's how God works.. my relationship with God is reflected in the kind of relationships i have with ppl.. if i do not choose to reconcile the relationships i have with pple, i'll have no peace in God.. no peace.. joyce commented that the problem's not solved and i shld look at how i hv done wrong on my part other than seeing how ppl hv done wrong against me.. ya.. if i'm sober, i'd realli wish to do that..
yupz, i'm glad i'm in this ministry.. even tho at times i fear ppl laughing at me for the mistakes i fail in, but i noe dere are ppl who love me to help me and pick me up and help me grow.. i c love from ppl when they try to help me.. i know i won't get this from normal frens who juz wan to risk everything to do their best for you.. includin hurtin you or your pride to help you c how u can b wrong and cheer u on.. i'm blessed.. i can see joyce trying to understand me and hear from me.. it's amazing how she used words to help me understand all these.. i dun tink i hv the capability to do so but.. i can always try.. tt's the power of language..
blessed by Father; wHeE
it's a draw.. 1-1 arsenal vs man u.. i'm glad it's a draw actually.. i'm proud of arsenal.. haa.. bit sad cos Henry took the first goal.. ha.. but u'll nv noe wad happens until the end of the game.. nxt is z fa cup to look forward to..
blessed by Father; wHeE
Sunday, March 28, 2004
hey hi... had an exciting day today! PEM's outing.. haha.. we went sentosa.. stayed overnight at Sam's house to prepare all the stuff.. ahha.. i guez no one wuld act as crazy n kiddish as we do.. let's c wad we hv: a PINK PEMER's lunchbox, a PINK pemer's utensil case, a PINK pemer's towel.. haha.. we were indicating the names on them.. haha..
so this morning, supposedly, we were to wake up at 4 to defroze the food, sleep again and wake up at 6 to cook the food.. haha.. ting n i slept first.. den the rest.. in the end i was the 2nd last to wake up.. cos ting's z pig of the gang.. haahhhah.. she did everything we predicted thte day before.. being the first to slp, wakin up nxt mornin n found out she neednt or couldnt help much so she'd ask if she can go back to slp and she did all tt! haha...
yupz.. so this morning we left sam's hse at ard 8.30 and head for sentosa!.. we were playing ard with the video cam we borrowed.. OH YA n the PINK sound machine.. yup.. on our way, we were discussin how or jiao wuld hv entertained wif tt in hand haha... so we entertained ourselves anyway wif laughter on our way.. ya, sam's laughter.... i missed it.. haha.. the kind of laughter which tickles u to laugh uncontrollably.. hhah.. ya, n we were saying the three little pigs of the grp ah meng, ting n geline have a lot of 'ji'(courage) today.. haha.. cos, yt n sy were like standing beside geline n they were laughin at teasing at geline at the expense of being hit by her.. joke of the day, haha..
ya, so we went to the beach, pretend to act as if we were committing suicide n shoot it down with the video cam, saw 2 v cute dogs runnin ard, n sam entertainin us with her idiotic face n i mean idiotic.. as in she purposely showed us an idiotic face which made the gang laughed so hard.. hhaa.. duno if yt recorded it down juz now.. haha.. at the end of the day, all of us got burnt.. n sam n i tried to protect our skin so much.. we stil got burnt.. so aft tt, we took the monorail.. alot more great things happened.. haha.. first, we sang in the cabin and got the grp indian pplz watching at us and smiling us.. haha.. and there's this jap couple they were wondering if we were japanese.. sam told us tt cause they were facing them.. it's no wonder cos we were playing speed's songs and geline and suying they were singing to it.. the jap guy seemed to think we r japanese but his wife thinks we are chinese.. then suying was said sth in chinese so the jap guy quickly turned to his wife and nodded his head.. den suying said 'gomenasai' n it confused them.. haha.. when we heard this we were practically laughing.. so we were v bad n decided to confuse dem.. suying started to tok so loudly in different languages.. geline played stars to shine again and while we were leaving we sang a section of it and said 'sayonara' in unison.. ahaha.. i wonder if other ppl wuld do tt.. mischievous gals.. haha.. after we left sentosa, we went orchard to take neoprintz.. it's like once in a lifetime tt five of us take neoprints together.. yupz.. so i left aft tt cos had a meeting..
so tt's a v summarized summary of PEM's outing today.. when the recording of wad we shoott today comes out we'll laugh n c.. haah..
n yesterday, watched scooby doo with alvin.. it was cool but we were saying it's not v 'scooby doo' cos Daphne had some fighting scenes in the film n all tt.. betta not say much but overall it's quite nice la.. Velma fell in love n did v silly tings n dere were sweet tings tt happened.. yup, so on our way to church, we were practically tokin abt our childhood cartoons.. n he shared a scary film he watched the night before on the bus.. ya..
so muz reali thank God for everything that happened.. i feel happy tt i had relaxed but i feel stress at the same time cos it's time to mug.. haha.. ganbatte everyone!
PEM-- We're all stars..
blessed by Father; wHeE
Friday, March 26, 2004
that's very sweet yu... ;)
today's a long day but doesnt seem long to me esp the last two periods of culture lessons.. v interesting.. haha.. we learn the history of China.. it was v brief.. haha.. i realised i know alot (hao lian haha)... too bad.. haha.. history's AMAZING..
i CANT WAIT!! PEM's going to sentosa this sunday.. hahaah.. cool manz.. and we're gonna stayover at SAM's house.. we are gg to prepare all the stuff dere b4 gg.. dere'll b a PEM towel tt's the coolest part.. heez.. haha.. kiez, i'm looking forward.. i wonder if we'll smuggle any tidbits in or sth.. heheh.. we'll hv the breakthru of this century!! presenting to you.. PEMERGY!! HAHAHA kiez.. gotta stop mi excitement.. hv to work thru the nite to revise and finish mi work.. time's nv enuf for mi..haha.. bt.. i'm stil glad dere's 24 hrs a day..
blessed by Father; wHeE
Monday, March 22, 2004
back from sch!! so early.. had a great day at sch.. tho econ tutor went thru the tutorial v slowly bcos we hv 17 extra ppl joining our cls and they r like tokin and tokin and toking.. v slow but thank God for tt.. it means i'll hv time to catch up.. yupz and we've got 3 new clsmates!! quite fun.. they all r stil adapting to it but i dun feel anyth strange.. ha.. (i'm not boasting kie..) kiez, gotta work real hard for God!! not for mi kie, otherwise tings will go haywire for mi.. yup, n since econ's dedicated to God, so muz work extra hard for tt.. doesnt matter if i dun get As, wad matters is if i worked hard ;) kkiez.. muz rmb this.. FOCUS!
fix your eyes upon Jesus look full in His wonderful face..
blessed by Father; wHeE
i'm so proud of myself.. i spent the whole day organising my notes.. haha.. actually half the day.. haha.. it's long tho.. tt's bcos i was watching the TV and filing at the same time.. heez... saw my new timetable, like v much.. duno if i'll b able to adapt... anyway, i believe God has a gd plan!
i need a little bit more wisdom to do my bible study on james.. hee.. v difficult.. but i'm supposed to b smart.. haah.. so juz a LITTLE BIT of wisdom will do.. haha.. rats, i'm juz laming ard.. haha.. anyway, i need wisdom.. God pls gimmi wisdom.. =B
kk, a few more hrs to gg to sch.. v excited sumhow cos dere'll b new ppl joinin my cls.. ha.. n oso the new timetable.. first period's econs which'll last for v long abt 1 1/2 hr.. hee.. quite exciting.. yupz.. n tml's the start of block test for the pj peepz.. all z best.. heeza.. pemers, dun throw pem's face.. or i'll banish u out of pem.. er.. hee.. i rmb ying banished everyone out of pem the oth time except her.. quite hilarious.. den we overthrow her and called her pem prime.. haha.. whenever she's irritating, we'll use tt to threaten her.. hahaah.. pem rox.. haha..
blessed by Father; wHeE
Sunday, March 21, 2004
heezz.. hv to mug today.. tho it's a sunday.. i reali reali reali wana go out tho.. but.. sob sob.. k box, skating and movies.. another day perhaps.. sob sob sob.. hhaha..
yesterday, supposed to hv an og lunch, but only 5 ppl turned up.. nevertheless, we had fun.. haha.. i started all the stupid but fun observing game.. hahhaa.. johnny johnny johnny johnny whoosh johnny whoosh johnny johnny johnny johnny .. ahah.. peepz, if u r curious, good.. haha.. i'll play with u the game.. haha.. hahaa.. ya, we went to banquet at jp to eat.. i din eat cos was full.. funny stomach aft i recovered from my fever.. was eating one meal everyday.. haaha.. but yesterday seems like i was gorging myself with food.. i was like eating every 3 hrs.. n not v healthy food.. haiz, suffering today, tink got indigestion or duno wad.. keep visiting the toilet.. i'm beginning to appreciate my toilet.. i like it there oso, it's like the most organised place in my hse.. aha.. i can imagine or jiao saying "there u go again, u and your toilet stuff" hahah.. it's too bad, seems like i'm born to be affiliated with mi toilet..
i learnt sth from this pass few weeks having sum relationship probs with frens.. i saw that my relationship has to be right with God before everything good thing or correct thing happens.. i've probably been having high and low moments bcos of my walk with God.. In fact i've been in the low moments or rather low spirit.. cos, i wanted to rebel.. n i did.. so everything juz turned wrong.. it wasnt at the start.. it was later on cause i was affected by sum problem, and i was tempted.. yes tempted, i gave in to it and so it's tempted not trialed.. but later, i had no peace.. No peace.. everything i did seems to go wrong, everything i tink seemed to make me upset and unhappy.. the high moments is probably the front i put up, or i reali was happy by sum tings.. but when i'm all alone things start to go wrong.. well.. good experience for mi.. i'm glad i had this moments, cos it'll tell mi i've been struggling.. and struggling's good, cos it shows that i'm alive.. dead in my transgressions but alive in Christ.. =) it reaffirms my faith.. i juz finished one good obstacle.. i know there's more to come.. they may b more difficult than this.. but, i guess this is how i'm being renewed in Him.. blessing in disguise.. haha..
God bless.. showers of blessings rained on me!
blessed by Father; wHeE
Friday, March 19, 2004
gosh.. i hv so many to say.. shagged.. i WAS.. everything's wrong.. i'm worried.. worried abt whether i'll hv time to do my hw, study for my tests, worried for stud n their growth, worried abt how i am gg to get everyth settled b4 sch starts, worried abt setting my goals worried worried worried.. n i'm upset.. i din noe y i was upset.. probably bcos i was too worried.. i juz broke down all of a sudden.. on the train.. how fickle girls can get.. well this upset feeling was brewing in me.. wad a crybaby.. i like to pity myself thinkin wad a miserable life i hv n no one understands how i feel.. all of a sudden i felt so lost.. at tt moment, i couldnt think of anyth except, God.. sth inside me's shouting n tells mi i need to turn to Him for help.. i need Him.. not only bcos i felt lonely, but bcos i need to depend on Him.. He's given me so much things to do and so little time.. i need His help..
then it reminds me abt Econ.. abt how much i wanted to drop the subj but was stopped so many times bcos ppl keep encouragin me to hold on.. at the very last moment, i made a final decision which was to hold on.. it was as tho He wanted me to hold on.. so i whispered a prayer to Him, saying i will b holding on to Econ for Him cos i noe i cant take it wif my own strength..
i tawt i was upset bcos i hv so many things to do.. But.. i was actually upset bcos i hv so little amt of time.. i realli wan to accomplish everything.. n i'd realli need Him.. need the strength from Him, need the assurance from Him, cast my worries on Him.. suddenly, i'm glad i hv so many things to do.. it's only bcos of such impossible tasks, i see His grace and might.. i experience His power.. sth which i've forgotten.. which made mi upset then i forgot how wonderful He is.. How much He wans me to turn to Him and confess my sins rather than hold on and fight against Him.. i feel so silly.. i'm such a fool.. thinkin abt taking students who are His child, i feel so unworthy.. so so unworthy.. But He's such a good God.. He uses them to encourage me.. to encourage me to not give up struggling.. my... i'm cryin again.. nw i know y the star search winners cry when they win the first prize..
James 4:7 Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
the context of this is reali for mi.. gosh.. it's so applicable.. i happen to be studyin the book of james when i saw this.. i'm reaching the end of this, i need to hold on.. i noe i'd hv bro and sis in Christ to cheer me on.. ;)
James 4:6 But He gives a greater grace. Therefor it says "God is opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble."
i appreciate this.. i hope i realli do.. :)
blessed by Father; wHeE
Thursday, March 18, 2004
rested the whole day today.. was searching for a new blogskin.. found one with Legolas!! wee.. like it very much except for the background.. it's black.. so sad.. i dun like.. i wan sth cheerful.. hee.. but i reali like it.. let mi consider.. heheheh..
i watched wan quan yu le and saw energy.. they are having sum kind of competition.. they are challenged to get train their dogs to do sum obstacle course.. shu wei and kun da's in a grp.. haha.. it's v funny.. they had alot of chances but all failed.. hahahaha.. but ah di and milk's was great.. the dog obeyed them.. hee.. there'll be more tml.. hee... ya.. and i learnt boa's atlantic princess dance.. very tiring.. within min i sweat like nobody's business.. hee.. muz go and d/l the mtv.. very cool.. Boa's a very great dancer.. woo hoo..
n.. i thot alot.. it's like tt.. when u r alone, u think alot.. i was wondering why is it tt ppl say we'll always be there for you but they juz disappear or r bz when u wan to look for dem.. it's v saddening cos i realise how often we like to make promises but we are unable to fulfil dem.. i guess nxt time when i want to make such a remark i shld say i'll always be there for you WHENEVER I CAN.. ha.. this sounds better ya? everybody's bz.. sob sob.. i feel v pathetic.. hving frens is like no difference from hving no frens.. hee.. i'm complaining again... well tt's wad i feel.. v upset.. i wonder wad everyone's doing.. everyone's like in their own business or rather everyone dun care a heck abt me and live in the world which i'm not in.. hol's gg to end.. as tho tt's not bad enuf.. mayb sumday i shld reali try doing things alone.. like attempt to watch a movie alone.. tt's v challenging.. u realli hv to dare to luff during the funny scenes.. hahah.. dun dare to go skating alone.. go orchard n shop alone!! havent done tt b4.. i guess nobody will look at you cos everyone shld b bz doin their own stuffs in orchard.. den it'll be like in the shows.. when sumone's lonely, u juz walk on the streets and u'll find.. your prince Charming!!! hhaha.. i'm dreaming.. ok, i'm bored.. ya, cant possibly go k box alone.. tt's v funny.. very..
anyway, if tt's part of growing, up i tink it's v scary.. u hv lesser and lesser fren.. mayb God's ans my prayer.. to let mi b less of an 'I' personality, ie to be v relational.. ahahah.. but tt's reali v scary.. sumday i'll be a grouchy old woman sitting at the doorstep and look.. grouchy.. hgahaha.. geok lan a grouchy old woman.. i dun wana look like or jiao.. hahahaha.. dun take offence.. or jiao.. hahahaha..
blessed by Father; wHeE
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
things i wana do:
go k box
watch a movie
go skating!!!!!!!!!! weeeeeeee!!!
go orchard and shop like there's no tml (haha!!)
be alone for the whole day in sum cool place
haiz.. finish mi homework and plannings.. hee..
pls answer my prayer.. hee..
blessed by Father; wHeE
i'm back again.. haiz.. runnin a high fever again.. haha.... i cant believe it.. i seemed so healthy yesterday.. i'm worried abt my work.. but.. i believe God has a good reason why i'm sick.. hee.. i dun feel as weak as last time.. (but i feel like i'm a weakling) hee.. kie.. might work hard tonight.. woo hoo.. everybody pls take care..
i hope i may trust in You for whatever tt happens..
blessed by Father; wHeE
yoo hoo.. i'm back.. had a good 2 1/2 days of being immersed in GP.. i hope i wun forget what i hv learnt.. my camp tutor was very good.. he's very strict and he provokes our thinking.. he says we must not think in a MYOPIC, REDUCTIVE and CONTENTIOUS manner when it comes to writing essays.. we muz consider other ppl's views when we write even if we dun feel like writing it.. juz a intro para and he made us 'bleed' by keep correcting us, making us re write.. wonderful experience.. glad i went..
sumthin shockin tt i muz put down.. man u lost to man city 4-1!! couldnt believe it.. was gloating when i saw the scores but feel sad for man u.. no trophies for dem this season.. haha.. oops.. i'm awaiting for nxt wed.. arsenal vs chelsea for champs' league.. hope arsenal will get into the semi-finals and the finals..
thank God for everything.. hehe.. =)
blessed by Father; wHeE
Sunday, March 14, 2004
i tink i'm very loh soh.. i'm back again.. i want to keep this record of my thinkings.. so it's not realli for reading.. it's all abt mi now..
ya, sheila and i were tokin abt personalities.. i noe i'm a very high 'I' person.. very extrovert.. or rather extro.. likes to influence others.. n get influenced easily as well.. n my weakness is tt i am attention seeking.. i believe so.. i guess stimes i get v paranoid.. it'll b my goal to try not to be attention seeking.. n i guess i'm too relational.. i get very affected when relationships are not right.. i need to learn to be work-orientated too.. to be efficient and produce work.. tt'll be my goal too.. ha.. i shld work toward being more organised..
this part is for reading.. i guess what xiaoling says is v right.. it's easy to tok abt forgiving.. i guess i couldnt appreciate the art of forgiving esp when sumone has hurt me.. haiz.. at the end of the day, what right do i hv to get angry at others.. i do hurt ppl too.. i'm in the same state as dem.. a sinner in the eyes of the Lord.. n i'm glad God had mercy on me.. n forgave mi.. hee.. i noe He'll forgive and He has forgiven.. yesterday's sermon gave mi the assurance.. (the sermon was abt having the same attitude of Christ.. pastor was tokin abt Christ's willingness to forsake His position as God, coming down as man to suffer for our sins..and all the descriptions abt how he was whipped with a whip tt would tear your skin and even see the bones n the descriptions of how it's like to be nailed on a cross.. very gory..) therefore, i'm reminded once again of the faith tt i hv in Him.. i'm glad my faith's not grounded on mi and my feelings but on God who makes sure everything goes in His plan..
He who is faithful is my God.. (He WAS everyone's God..) i believe so.. by faith..
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
blessed by Father; wHeE
oh.. n i reali wish sam had a gd celebration for her birthday.. so sorry we couldnt do tt for you.. mayb we shld hv a good time together.. HAPPIE HAPPIE BELATED BIRTHDAY..
i din forget her bday okie.. i msged her on tt day.. but i wana wish her again.. hee..
blessed by Father; wHeE
i'm gg for a gp immersion programme today at 4 and will only come back on tues.. it's gonna b reali exciting.. i'll be doin quiet time with jessica and all tt.. ha..
havent updated for a long time.. speakin abt qt, i guess i shld b v ashame of myself.. mayb i shld start with the things tt happened past few days..
friday, last day of sch.. n pj's talentime.. seems like u guys had alot of fun.. i'm glad for you.. n i'm glad i din go.. i'm not trying to be sarcastic or anything but i tink i reali am glad.. if not i guess u wun hv much fun wif me ard.. sorry.. i was actually free tt day.. it's a matter of organising my time to do my stuffs.. but i guess in the end i did not go.. bcos.. partly bcos of my pride.. n bcos i'm not prepared to face u guys.. i've been tinkin.. tryin to rebel against how i feel and even against God.. ha.. i told myself for the whole week i dun care if i'm prideful.. i dun care if ppl say they hate me.. i dun care if i hurt anyone.. i'm tryin to b selfish, rebellin against Him.. even trying to deny His existence.. i couldnt.. like what Sheila has said, His grace is irresistable.. it's not whether i hv a choice, i find myself stuck at the same old choice to follow Him no matter how my mouth exclaimed tt i dun wan to follow Him.. i cant.. n i wanted to rebel bcos i find i couldnt throw away my pride.. n i noe i hv to do tt if i were to follow Him.. so.. if i ever am able to learn to be humble, it's definitely His grace for me..
saturday, i met sheila.. she was the one who was askin me for help but instead she's helping me.. Indeed very 'C' personality.. juz a few words from her.. it din provoke how i feel.. but it caused me to think hard.. even til the point i went to church, i'm stil struggling to rebel.. i know i hv lost.. i noe i cant not submit to God.. He forced me to walk the way i shld.. He forced mi to learn to be humble.. (stil on the way of learnin..) He forced me to question what i thought.. if i reali dun care tt i hurt ppl..
sunday, i noe i hv alot of things to do like doing area mtg bs, james bs, pack my stuf for the immersion programme, meet chew wei to get my slping bag.. but i watched xun yi cao(lavendar).. i saw how the ppl try to deny themselves thinkin separation would be the best solution to not hurt each other.. but it's not true.. i saw the picture very clearly tt it's not true.. their judgement is based on what is obvious to them tt is what is happenin in the present.. they don't think in long term wise.. haiz.. i duno wad i'm trying to say.. but i'm clearer of what i am thinking..
what is gg to happen is gg to depend on how i wan to deal wif my pride.. the choice seems obvious.. but..
i think i noe what i need..
blessed by Father; wHeE
Saturday, March 13, 2004
You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
the cartoon's cute.. but i dun tink it's accurate.. haha..
blessed by Father; wHeE
Monday, March 08, 2004
it's amazing how many ups and downs i've been thru these few months.. i read thru the archives.. i lost my i/c, got mad at PEM, orientation, chinese new year, get mad at PEM again, realise how many grudges i've bore when i am angry, get mad at ppl.. there's so many ups and downs even tho i dun hang out so often with pemers..
i am prideful.. i am not willing to listen to wad kind of comments ppl have abt me.. probably i catch no sense of wad ppl r trying to tell me (this sounds like i am trying to push the blame to others.. it could b true.. or rather God's word DID NOT AFFECT ME?), probably i am just unwilling to accept the fact.. haiz, what am i up to? what hv i done? y are there so many ways of interpreting? n none of those others interpret click with mine? a while ago, i was so angry, so angry tt i juz wan to give up communicating, even give up following God.. Yes.. give up following Him bcos i was so angry.. (tt's an excuse? a sinful thot? a forbidden no-no thinking?) wad has got into me? it didnt begin this way.. i thought i wasnt at fault or rather i thought i wasnt at much fault.. but things begin to change within such a short time.. i failed to understand God's view.. whether u r at little fault or much fault, u R at fault.. in His eyes, it is so..
it's hard to face yourself.. to face yourself n tell yourself 'hey u hv actually committed a grave mistake' without your heart being prepared to take tt.. what has got into me? i need someone.. someone older to get me out of this.. i need to not give up communicating..
i cant believe i hv been hving this problem since i was in sec 2? it has been carrying on for years.. each time to remind me the root of the problem has not been solved.. am i too sensitive? i've tried so hard to not be.. hv i misunderstood sth? i know i did.. but it still happened.. bcos i did not hv self-control.. could it b a lesson not meant for mi onli but for others? mayb.. but in the process, ppl r hurt.. hurt.. y hv i not shine as a light? y did i not hv self-control? y did i hv those thinkings n i act on how i feel? i've always know tt i shld not do things dpding on my emotions? y did i not rmb? i hate to say this.. but all this thinkin n happenings drained energy.. y did i not act like a person who THINKS LOGICALLY N RATIONALLY? y? it's too late to say all this now aft all has happened but i'm trying to face it.. face the consequence of what i had done.. how can i act like a person who's got no brains?!!! disgusting. horrible.
i guess the best part is after thinkin so much, i still can b so hard hearted.. i need a pierce in my heart to tell mi how much i hv disappoint God and how much trouble i hv caused to others.. i need to learn to be strong.. to learn to not be swayed by my emotions but lean on God's truth.. i need to learn to appreciate tt our brains are quite near our heart..
it's quite interesting to talk to yourself..
anyway, God i need a listener who could grant mi tt piercing (i'm a proud gal) n answer my questions.. if You r willing..
this is not for self pity ( i hope ) if anyone's willing, pls pray for mi..
blessed by Father; wHeE
Sunday, March 07, 2004
PLS DO NOT READ.. IT'S NOT MEANT FOR YOU TO KNOW HOW I FEEL.. IT'S FOR MI TO EXPRESS HOW I FEEL..
so your prob is solved and u wish to call it quits? hv u ever thought tt mine is not? so i'm supposed to go out with you all and b a robot onli showing my happy emotions even if i am upset or angry.. mayb i will nt go out so often with u all if tt's wad u wan.. i dun wish to hv such 'good' frens.. i duno how the oth time when i lost my ic and how i upset i was n i actually managed to smile.. so this is the person u wan me to be? i dun wan to be like tt everytime.. i dun wan to lose my right of getting angry when i reali am, i dun wan to lose my right of feeling upset when i reali am.. i dun wan.. if this is the kind of fren u expect me to be, i'm sorry, i stil wan to be myself.. i dun wan n i dun think i can stop being sensitive at times..
what are friends for? are friends there to share your happy moments? are friends there to share your sad moments? are friends there to share the time when u r stressed?
mayb i shld learn, learn to go shopping myself, learn to go orchard myself, learn to go k box myself, learn to go to the movies myself, ya learn to go everywhere myself so i wun affect u all if i suddenly feel angry or upset..
i dun hv a right to show to a grp of ppl whom i consd frens, n i dun hv the chance to explain to the grp of ppl whom i call frens who doesnt wan to listen but onli care abt how bad i am when i hv such emotions..
i'm glad u know.. but so? wad if the thing tt u know is not exactly what i am thinking? so what if u know? am i supposed to NV do tt again.. i'm supposed to b perfect all the time right..
oops, i said too much.. it might cause misunderstanding again if u r readin..
blessed by Father; wHeE
Thursday, March 04, 2004
so tt's how u think abt mi and u claimed tt u love? everything i do n say n the best u can think of is how lousy i am? wow.. u twisted wad i meant n u try to banish mi to the lowest level.. u cant tolerate things like tt n u say u love? muz there onli b gd things b/w frens? it sounds like u dislike it when i cause such misery..
yes, my intention was to hurt u.. to tell u how i think abt u at times and to cause u to speak up wad u feel abt me instead of trying to complain abt things which go wrong bhind my back.. good be angry with mi.. i'd rather u thrash out all things than complain without my knowledge.. at least it clears things up..
it also goes to show tt u wan onli the good things when this kind of thing happen n all u say is 'sian' without trying to think abt wad went wrong..
yes i am not trying to help.. i am the worsening factor.. if all u can think of is how hurt u r and how much i hurt u, den it's not gg to help.. if u continue like this, u'll juz hate mi more.. y dun u juz buck up and stand up on ur feet n tink abt it rather than lament and get angry with mi.. as i've said, if u think i am wrong, u cant b right either.. if u think i have contributed to the problem, u cant say tt u hv not contributed to the problem either..
anyway, wad i am trying to say abt intentionally making mi left out is not abt tt.. it's abt speed.. i juz wan to verify.. VERIFY.. u give mi the idea tt u dun wan mi to know abt speed.. u dun wan mi to learn their song.. u dun wan mi to touch speed.. u dun wan mi to invade the 3 of u's memory.. i feel so.. whenever i mention sth abt learnin sth fr dem, u gimmi tt look.. tt look which deters mi from doing so.. it's juz like u dun dare to tell geline u like Takuya Kimura.. fine, i'm sensitive.. i'm prideful.. n i'm trying to blame u for my pridefulness..
n so u blamed for concentrating with our books n u do not stop us.. u complain at the end of it.. wad's the point? so tt we wun do it nxt time? so u tink we noe when it is the time for multitaskin n when's not? u r involved in ur books too isnt it? how would we know or realise? or rather we didnt realise and u didnt inform either.. we're quits..
n if u wan mi to wash my hands off u n ur reading the bible thing fine.. i will not bother ANYMORE.. if u think tt i am juz trying to find fault with u fine.. so tt's how u think of mi.. thx so much.. pls tell mi so earlier.. i will not bother u anymore.. i will not correct u anymore since u refused it n u show ur 'gratefulness' this way pushing it back to mi.. ya my words are hurtful bcos it hurt ur pride.. n if u wan mi to not do so, fine.. u can deny everything i've said n push it all back to mi.. ya n push the blame to mi oso for hurting ur pride.. if u choose to think i'm juz trying to show tt i am a better christian than u so be it.. if u think i am juz trying to stumble u so be it.. my conscience is clear.. i'm sure of tt..
stimes, i'm glad u r crying.. but i hope u r crying not bcos u hate mi or u regret u hv such a stupid fren who does nothing but hurt ur feelings, but u r crying bcos ur pride is hurt bcos u noe how sinful u r b4 the Lord.. this is probably the last time i'm gg to say this..
blessed by Father; wHeE
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
it's going to hurt.. i can see tt God is trying to make mi closer to Him.. to depend on Him.. this is His 'last resort'..
blessed by Father; wHeE
i want to be patient.. but i cant.. i cant knowing how u hv hurt mi by ur actions telling me tt i shldnt be there.. by ur actions tellin me tt i don't want u to learn this.. but i want to learn to love.. to love doesnt mean expecting for anyth in return.. not expecting tt u will not hurt me, not expecting tt u will always say nice things to me.. not expecting tt you would do the best for me.. not expecting tt this love is reciprocated.. how lousy i am to even fail the first test..
i thank God for this..
blessed by Father; wHeE
yes and i am angry why cant you be the one to understand..
y does it nv get into your mind tt i don't like to tok to more than one person..
y do you ask questions for the sake of asking, for the sake of knowing wad's wrong rather than knowing how i feel? if u think u r not, u sound so to me..
y cant i get angry?
y cant u think of sth better?
Y CANT YOU DO ANYTHING TO IMPROVE YOUR SPIRITUAL LIFE?
Y R U UPSET TT I AM BEHAVING LIKE TT?
Y CANT YOU UNDERSTAND?
Y CANT YOU STOP BEING SELFISH AND PUSH THE BLAME TO ME FOR CAUSING YOUR MISERY?
Y DONT U C TT U PLAY A PART IN IT IN CONTRIBUTING TO THIS?
Y DONT U TRY TO COMMUNICATE INSTEAD OF SAYING U CANT SPEAK THINGS TACTFULLY?
ARGH!!!! THIS IS WHAT I AM THINKING.. IT COULD BE A MISUNDERSTANDING.. N IT TAKES TWO HANDS TO CLAP
IF U TINK I AM WRONG, U CANT BE RIGHT EITHER.. MY WORDS ARE HURTFUL, SCOLD ME THEN.. STOP FORCING YOURSELF TO BE TACTFUL WHEN YOU ARENT EVEN THINKING HOW TO BE..
this is my stand.. i'm not onli tokin abt how sorry i am but oso how upset i am.. how upset i am hearin u say yes u know what's wrong and asking ppl to pray for u but yet u do nth to try to solve it.. or mayb i'm maligning u.. i dont even know if u've tried.. but u know best..
blessed by Father; wHeE
i am angry..
angry with myself
angry with myself for not saying i am angry
angry with myself for not INFORMING that i am angry
sumtimes i think, y shld inform ppl i'm angry.. y cant ppl show consideration? y cant they juz understand like what they say best frens noe wad each other are thinking abt.. but, i have fallen into a trap.. a trap which is common to men.. a trap which i would get over if i hadnt had this foolish thinkings.. these selfish expectations on others..
i am angry..
i am angry not bcos i am left out but bcos of your intentional purpose to make me left out..
mAybe it's a misunderstanding..
i shld hv quieten down and calm myself down to think abt it..
but i cant..
'there she goes again, blaming ppl for sth which she is also at fault in'
i juz wan to push the blame..
push the blame and hurt ppl uncontrollably
expectin so much out of ppl and get myself mad at them
i'm mad bcos ppl give solutions tt's not morally right..
i'm mad bcos i tink they don't bother to open a listening ear
open and share tt's wad ppl like to say, but do u reali OPEN up and LISTEN?
DO YOU LISTEN OR DO YOU HEAR?
IT'S UNFAIR.. Y MUZ GOD PLACE MI IN A PLACE WHERE I TINK THERE'S NO ONE TO LISTEN?..
tt's wad i tink.. but.. i thank God tt He allowed this to happen
i need to try to communicate.. communication breaks down at times bcos of me..
i shld try to communicate instead of tinking there's no one suitable to listen..
argh.. i'm frustrated.. i need strength.. i need to think abt better things than gettin mad..
blessed by Father; wHeE
Monday, March 01, 2004
i've been making alot of choices this days.. deciding whether i shld drop a subject, deciding whether i shld go for talentime, and if i do shld i go for solo or grp.. hee.. i've no confidence sumhow.. haha.. but.. i am trying to build it up.. i'm gg to trust God.. entrust everything in His hands.. all i need to do is to do my best.. it's gg to be a great week!
i'm also learning abt reading in context.. like there's this verse in the Bible which says for where two or three come together in My name, there am I with them. it sounds like God will be amongst us when we gather in a grp.. but if we read Matthew 18:15-19, we'll realise that the context is actually abt correcting a brother in Christ.. During tt time, there muz hv at least two ppl to verify if sumone has done sth wrong.. so the verse is sort of giving confidence to the person who's confronting the brother who hv sinned against him or her.. hee.. tt's v interesting..
and today during bs, we were toking abt
Philippians 2
3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves
the word selfishness and empty conceit actually means more than it seems.. at the first look, i tawt it means a person being self-centered and empty conceit means futile arrogance.. but if we use in context and study carefully, we'll realise tt this is especially for the Philippians who are being persecuted but they are still serving the Lord.. When Paul wrote this, he noticed tt there were disharmony in them (can find this in chapter 1 when Paul talks abt being in one spirit etc and abt two grps of ppl preaching the gd news with different motives, one is of gd one in love for Paul while the other out of envy and strife.. chpt 4 also mentions an example of them who r hv disharmony with each other and this two are christians) N if we read it in this context, we'll c tt this verse would hit the Philippians hard especially when Paul uses selfishness or empty conceit.. the 2 words, if we refer to the greek meaning and other verses with the same root word, it actually toks abt pride (empty conceit) being the root of doing things for our own glory (selfishness).. the Philippians would hv been upset to know tt some of them are preaching for the wrong motives out of envy and strife.. and from these two words, as christians, we hv to realise the need to constantly reflect ourselves whether we have done sum things wif a wrong motive tt's doing things for our own glory instead of looking upon Christ as our centre, doing everything for Him.. In Philippians, Paul equates looking for the interest of others as looking for the interest of Christ.. thus, in our service, we need to learn to look to the interest of our fellow brothers and sisters..
hee, i realise i v lor soh.. but i'm glad i hv bible studies.. hee.. it sharpens my thoughts.. it's a blessing from God.. (hey it rhymes!) haha..
blessed by Father; wHeE
